Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
This fully revised and updated version of Wired for Love presents cutting-edge research on how and why love lasts and offers ten simple strategies to spark and sustain true connection.Ā
āWhat the heck is my partner thinking?ā āWhy do they react like that?ā āHow can we get back the spark we had in the beginning?ā If youāve ever asked yourself these questions, you arenāt alone, and it doesnāt mean that your relationship is doomed.Ā
Every person is wired for love differentlyāwith different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most peopleās minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and routines, making it possible to neurologically prime the brain for greater love and connection and fewer conflicts. This go-to guide will show you how.
Drawn from neuroscience, attachment theory, and emotion regulation, this highly anticipated second edition of Wired for Love presents cutting-edge research on how and why love lasts, and offers ten guiding principles that can improve any relationship.
Ā
This fully revised and updated edition also includes new guidance on how to manage disagreements, as well as new exercises to help you create a sense of safety and security, establish healthy conflict ground rules, and deal with the thirds ā that is, any outside source which threatens the harmony in your relationship, including in-laws, alcohol, children, and affairs.
While thereās no doubt that love is an inexact science, if you understand how you and your partner are wired differently, you can overcome your differences, and create a lasting intimate connection.
Buzz about Wired for LoveĀ 2nd Edition
Wired for Love has been called the complete āinsiderās guideā to understanding your partnerās brain, forging lasting connection, and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust. Hereās what some of Stanās biggest fans have said:
"Invaluable for so many partners looking to reconnect and grow closer together."
Gwyneth Paltrow
founder and CEO of goop
"Stan Tatkin can be entirely followed into the towering infernos of our most painful relationship challenges."
Alanis Morissette
artist, activist, and wholeness advocate
"Stan Tatkin is one of the worldās most brilliant couples therapists, making his classic, Wired for Love, essential: Not everyone can sit with him, but everyone can benefit from his wisdom."
Elise Loehnen
New York Times bestselling author of On Our Best Behavior, and host of the Pulling the Thread podcast
In Each Other’s Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them
Do you and your partner ever find yourselves revisiting the same heated argument? Playing out the same disagreement about money, parenting, sex, or household chores. Few things are more frustrating and can leave you feeling disconnected from the person you want to feel closest to.
While conflict in any relationship is inevitable, healing is possible.
With In Each Other's Care, Stan Tatkin shares a hands-on repair manual that will help you discover how arguments get triggered, why they keep happening, and what you can do to get better at communicating so you and your partner both can finally get the outcomes you want around your most challenging issues.
Tatkin’s concept of secure functioning "takes time to learn," he says. "And still, the rewards are awesome and make the effort worthwhile. Secure functioning benefits you, your partner, your family, your friends, everything, and everyone."
Get your free book chapter here
Throughout In Each Other’s Care, Tatkin presents targeted topics, sample dialogues, heartfelt wisdom, and so much more.
- Identify the source of unhappiness in your relationship.
- Learn techniques for preventing problems before they occur.
- Heal the emotional wounds of the past.
- Transform conflict and struggle into win-win outcomes.
- Renew broken connections and return to intimacy.
Whether you’ve been in a relationship for years, or are just beginning the journey, In Each Other’s Care is a supportive, common-sense guide that will show you how to safely, equitably, and quickly improve both words and actions as you work through even the most contentious topics. And, how to do that with compassion and respect.
"Where was Stan Tatkin when I was dating? I highly recommend Wired for Dating to anyone who is ready for a secure-functioning relationship. Tatkin addresses the scientific, psychobiological, neurobiological, and intricate ways of the nervous system within the realm of dating, and does so in an utterly readable, practically applicable, wise, and entertaining way."
Alanis Morissette
artist and activist
"Reading Stan Tatkinās book makes you want to be in therapy with him. With intense and fearless clarity, he takes you into the trenches of the combative human brain and shows you how to make love, not war."
Esther Perel
LMFT, author of Mating in Captivity
"Stan Tatkin has written the best manual on premarital preparation that we know. Everyone in a committed relationship or on their way to the altar should read this book before they go any further."
Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD
authors of the New York Times bestseller, Getting the Love You Want and Making Marriage Simple
"Stan Tatkin understands the human heart and how to build a loving partnership and keep it burning bright.āÆ This book is packed with solid science, the newest psychology, and astute advice.āÆ I am using it myself.āÆItās a gem."
Helen Fisher
bestselling author of Why We Love
"Stan Tatkinās heartfelt wisdom offers many practical skills to guide you and your partner toward secure functioningāand in a deeply perceptive, precise, and appropriately playful way. He is a true master of matches."
Diane Poole Heller, PhD
author of The Power of Attachment
"Inclusive and filled with suggestions, We Do is an ideal book for anybody interested in enhancing their relationship and for psychotherapists who want to provide great tools for their clients."
Rick Miller
LICSW, author of Unwrapped
We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love
Committing fully to a loving partnership—a “we”—can be one of the most beautiful and fulfilling experiences you’ll ever have. Yet as anyone in a long-term relationship will tell you, it can also be one of the most challenging. Almost half of all first marriages end in divorce, and chances go down from there. So how do you beat the odds?
“All successful long-term relationships are secure relationships,” writes psychotherapist Stan Tatkin. “You and your partner take care of each other in a way that ensures you both feel safe, protected, accepted, and secure at all times.”
In We Do, Tatkin provides a groundbreaking guide for couples. You’ll figure out whether you and your partner are right for each other in the long term, and if so, give your relationship a strong foundation so you can enjoy a secure and lasting love.
Highlights include:
- Create a shared vision for your relationship, the key to a strong foundation
- It’s all about prevention—learn tools and techniques for preventing problems before they occur
- Understand how to work with the psychological and biological influences in your relationship—neuroscience, arousal regulation, attachment theory, and more
- Numerous case studies with helpful examples of healthy and unhealthy interactions, sample dialogues, and reflections
- Dozens of exercises—the newlywed game, reading facial expressions, and many more fun and serious practices to develop intimacy and security
- Handling conflict—how to broker win-win outcomes
- Build a loving relationship that helps you thrive and grow as both individuals and a couple
Common interests, physical attraction, shared values, and good communication skills are the factors most commonly thought to indicate a good partnership. Yet surprisingly, current research reveals that these are only a small part of what makes for a healthy marriage—much more important are psychological and biological influences. With We Do, you’ll learn to navigate these elements and more, giving your relationship the best possible chance to succeed.
Relationship Rx: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love
Why do couples fight? Here’s a hint—it’s not about who puts the dishes away. “Conflicts with our primary partners are rarely about what we think they are,” teaches renowned psychotherapist Stan Tatkin, “An invisible host of factors in our brains and bodies plays into every encounter we have.” With Relationship Rx, Tatkin unpacks the real causes of common relationship challenges with humor and compassion, offering a comprehensive program to help couples restore and sustain the love that brought them together.
A nuts-and-bolts program to heal your most common relationship challenges
Throughout Relationship Rx, Tatkin focuses on the real-life conflicts that all couples face —money, time, chores, sex, kids, betrayal, decision-making, and more. Drawing from his Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), Tatkin teaches us how our attachment styles, nervous systems, and unique backgrounds impact every interaction we have. “We’ve come so far in our understanding of the human condition, how we’re wired, and our relationships,” Tatkin says, “Using this new knowledge gives us the power actually to change the way we relate instead of just wishing things were different.”
Through targeted lessons, practical tools, and sample dialogues with Tatkin’s insightful commentary, couples will learn to heal past conflicts and navigate even the most contentious topics with understanding and respect. Whether you’re tired of little misunderstandings or are in full-on crisis mode, Relationship Rx will help you find relief—and real love—once again.
Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate
In the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever! So, why not stack the odds of finding the right person in your favor? This book offers simple, proven-effective principles drawn from neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find the perfect mate.
Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal partner is a natural and healthy human tendency. Just about everyone dates at some point in their lives, yet few really understand what they’re doing or how to get the best results. In Wired for Dating, published by New Harbinger, psychologist and relationship expert Stan Tatkin—author of Wired for Love—offers powerful tips based in neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find a compatible mate and go on to create a fabulous relationship.
Using real-life scenarios, you’ll learn key concepts about how people become attracted to potential partners, move toward or away from commitment, and the important role the brain and nervous system play in this process. Each chapter explores the scientific concepts of attachment theory, arousal regulation, and neuroscience. And with a little practice, you’ll learn to apply these exercises and practical techniques to your dating life.
Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (6 CD set)
“Understand your brain, improve your relationships.” That’s what Stan Tatkin has learned from his leading-edge work as a researcher and couple therapist. In this complete audio learning program, he merges current insights from neurobiology and attachment theory to help you shift out of conflict and into deeper and more loving connections.
You’ll first learn to identify attachment styles–patterns of intimacy that begin in the earliest years–both in yourself and in those around you. Then Tatkin guides you through his proven principles and practices for building enduring security and commitment between partners, family members, and others whom you love.
Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents
By
A baby is a blessing—and also a completely life-altering event. If you’re like many new parents, nothing could have fully prepared you for the exhaustion of late-night feedings, the explosive diapers, the evaporation of your free time, the pure joy, and the moments of pure terror. In the midst of these hazy, early months, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. And when you’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to put your romantic relationship on the back burner. But, more and more, research shows that in order to be the best parents you can be, you and your partner need to make sure that your needs—as a couple—are also met.
Written by a psychologist and relationship expert, Baby Bomb offers powerful tools based in psychology and neurobiology to help you and your partner co-parent and co-partner as a solid and supportive team—while also cultivating mad love for each other! You’ll find more than just “tips” for better parenting and partnering; you’ll discover how a secure-functioning relationship is essential for raising happy, healthy kids.
This isn’t a book with advice about how to have a romantic candlelit dinner while your baby is screaming in the other room. It’s a road map for getting on the same page about your expectations as parents, about your needs as humans, and about how to maintain a strong and lasting relationship in the face of, well, a baby bomb.
Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy
by Marion Solomon and Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT
Neuroscience and couples therapy come together to help couples break patterns of bad behavior. What happens between partners that makes love turn to war? How can couples therapists help deescalate the battles? Two leading therapists apply the latest neuroscience research on emotional arousal to help couples regulate each other’s emotions, maintain secure attachment, and foster positive, enduring relationships. The neurobiologically-grounded and sensitive approach set forth by Solomon and Tatkin in this book is sure to transform the way clinicians understand and treat couples in therapy.
"Bravo, Stan Tatkin, for writing a truly useful book about dating: what to look for; how to handle Internet dating sites; what to know about yourself; how to vet potential partners; and how to proceed in a level-headed fashion toward finding lifeās greatest prizeāa long-term successful partnership. Moreover, itās got poetry, a grounded understanding of neuroscience and attachment theory, excellent questions and exercises, and really smart advice. I learned a lot. Itās a special book."
Helen Fisher, PhD
biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, chief scientific advisor to the Internet dating site www.match.com, and author of Why Him? Why Her?, Why We Love, Anatomy of Love, The First Sex, and The Sex Contract
"People entering into relationships today need this book more than ever. Wired for Dating goes beyond simply being a guide on increasing your chances of successful dating; Stan Tatkin, PsyD, provides a science-based approach filled with valuable insights and techniques that can give us the ability to create more enduring and richer relationships. This book can transform the culture we live in today!"
Elisha Goldstein, PhD
cofounder of The Center for Mindful Living in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Uncovering Happiness
"Perhaps nothing is as pivotal in creating enduring and satisfying relationships as the intricate dance of dating. Stan Tatkin has found a way to make the complexities of this elusive process clear, without diluting the science and clinical practice that inform this central life issue. Wired for Dating is a flexible and supportive guide for those running the relationship gauntlet, as well as a significant contribution to emotionally based therapies."
Peter A. Levine, PhD
author of Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and In an Unspoken Voice
"The best step-by-step manual for how to conduct yourself on a first date, vet a prospective partner, and keep yourself from inadvertently destroying the relationship.ā "
Dan Wile, PhD
author of After the Honeymoon
"If you are thinking about starting to date, are excited about a person you recently met, or have met the love of your life, you will find reading this book an eye-opening experience. Stan Tatkin has succeeded in integrating attachment and neuroscience research as he takes us on a wonderful journey through the worlds of dating, mating, and love.ā "
Marion F. Solomon, PhD
author of Narcissism and Intimacy and Lean on Me
"Stan Tatkinās Wired for Dating is a wonderful, supportive guide to self- and relationship discovery. It is filled with nuggets of wisdom that make it easy to answer some of the toughest dating questions. Using Tatkinās psychobiological approach, you can navigate dating with much more grace. You have a way to identify serious red flags, as well as the exercises and skills to build a long-term successful partnership. Now you can choose a life partner with confidence and the clarity that you are right for each other. Reading Wired for Dating is one of the most important decisions you will make in your mating life.ā "
Ellyn Bader, PhD
cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
"Stan Tatkinās marvelous and intelligent guide gives you the total map when you seek a partner worthy of your efforts and ask the important question, āIs this the right one for me?ā Tatkin shows you how to use both sides of your powerful brain and finally make the right decision. The heart meets science, and youāre the winner. He takes the mystery out of dating so you can enjoy the mystery of being with the person you really love. Now you can date with a safety net, and enjoy the journey as the genuine magic happens."
Peter Pearson, PhD
cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
"I really enjoyed this book and learned a lot from it that I can use as a therapist. Stan Tatkin is a great innovator. This book is a must for every couplesā therapistās library."