Addressing Betrayal through a Redemptive Reset

Betrayal is one of the biggest threats to a couple relationship. When one partner betrays the other, they violate the trust and confidence that exists between them. The safety and security of the relationship is ruptured. Examples of partner betrayals include affairs, lying, substance abuse, money mismanagement, and improper use of thirds. 

Assessing the Fallout from Betrayal

A discovered betrayal can shatter the foundations of any relationship. Feelings of disbelief, anger, confusion, despair, doubt, and defensiveness surround the couple as they assess what their relationship was and what it currently means to them. 

Statistics on couples who stay together following a major betrayal support the devastating impact of betrayal.  For example, infidelity accounts for 59.6% of all divorces in the United States.

The following example demonstrates the repercussions that come with betrayal. In this scenario, the couple had been together for 22 years. They met, fell in love, had a family, and recently launched their adult children. 

He works in pharmaceutical sales, and she has worked as a stay-at-home mom and school volunteer.  She recently discovered a series of texts on his phone that indicated he was having an affair with a coworker. 

Him (to therapist): I don’t understand why she is making such a big deal about this. I said I was sorry. I even stopped seeing Maureen after work, which was really hard to do. And now my wife barely talks to me.

Her: So you want talk? Hear me out: All this time I trusted you on your business trips! And then I find out you were hanging out in bars after work with her, flirting, and just having a good old time. Then you went to the hotel room and had sex with her.  And you hid all of this from me. For months!  I don’t know who you are anymore. I feel humiliated. 

Him: It’s not about you. I just had a slip up, I was drinking too much and she started it and one thing led to another.

Her: You disgust me.

Him: (to therapist). See what I mean? She won’t let this go. I feel like I am in jail. Can you find me a get-out-of-jail free card? Because I am not making any headway here. I love her and want to stay married. As long as she stays mad, I just don’t see how we’re going to make it.

Working with Betrayal through a PACT Intervention 

This couple was struggling and the trust between them had eroded. But both partners wanted to see if they could work through the betrayal and remain coupled. 

Partners who decide to reconcile following betrayal need a couple therapist who can help them navigate through this tumultuous period. Fortunately, PACT trained couple therapists have a dynamic intervention to help partners mend their torn relationship — Redemption Pose.  

This bottom-up intervention is emotionally powerful.  Both partners need to be invested in the continuation of the relationship for this intervention to be effective.  

Redemption Pose seeks to equalize the power differential in the relationship and build support for a different and more authentic kind of self-activation in both partners. 

Partners need to take a specific stance. The betraying partner must acknowledge wrongdoing and beg for forgiveness. They must accept the therapist’s direction. The betrayed partner needs to be in touch with how they feel and to ask for what they need and want.

Flexing the Pose to Promote Egalitarianism

A basic structure of Redemption Pose involves the betraying partner physically lowering themselves to the other. Some therapists may be reluctant to use this intervention because they are concerned about shaming the betraying partner. 

Keep in mind that any guilt or shame that is present was brought about by the actions of the betraying partner.  The offending partner must be able to authentically feel and convey remorse to their partner. 

Underlying a decision to betray is an over-entitled stance. “I can have my cake and eat it, too.”

This person has lied and deceived and caused a rupture in the attachment system. By choosing to physically peg themselves down, the betrayer’s body position matches their words of apology. 

The betraying partner approaches the pose from a humble position (literally and figuratively), and the pose offers an opportunity to acknowledge the harm done to the partner and the relationship. 

This culpable stance may be a reach for some partners, as in the example above, yet the motivation for saving the relationship is often compelling enough to take the leap.

Working with the Betrayed to Structure the Pose

There may be a dilemma about whether to ask a betraying client who identifies as female to kneel before a partner who identifies as male. In a patriarchal society such as ours, women are encouraged to be submissive, assume subordinate roles while being content with less, and tolerate bad behavior.  

Asking a female partner to lower herself to her knees to a male partner may reinforce a position of powerlessness. 

Additionally, there may be a stigma associated with women getting on their knees, suggestive of being compelled to have sex with a male in a dominant position. 

In these instances, a female partner taking a knee can feel predatory or trigger revictimization, especially if she has a history of sexual trauma.

It is critical for PACT therapists to know the couple they are working with and how to structure the pose. The therapist tailors the process according to the couple’s capacities and vulnerabilities. 

Be mindful that partners with disorganized attachment as well as those with narcissistic structures may also have grave difficulty tolerating the shame aspect that comes into play. 

Therapists can use Redemption Pose without requiring that a partner come to their knees. Alternatives to asking a client to kneel: 

• Place the betraying partner in a seated position while the betrayed partner stands.
• Lower the betraying partner’s rolling chair so the betrayed partner sits higher.
• Have the betrayed partner sit on a pillow or cushion for added stature.
• Suggest the betraying partner sit on the floor while the betrayed partner sits in a chair.

Curating Effective Scripts

Once the couple assumes the pose, the couple therapist gives the betraying partner lines which emphasize that a wrong has been committed, that there is justification for ending the relationship, and that there is a willingness to make a substantial repair. 

Note that the betraying partner speaks from a subjugated position, e.g., “I acted foolishly, and you have every right to be angry with me,” or “I was so focused on what I wanted that I ignored your needs completely.”

A therapist can use several approaches when it comes to scripting. They can provide a couple with a generic script. They can also create a more meaningful script once they have carefully listened to the words that the betrayed partner used in previous sessions to describe the impact of their partner’s dishonesty. This requires the full presence of the therapist and a certain artfulness. 

The therapist then incorporates these exact words into the script and gives the script to the deceiving partner to use. This mirroring of the betrayed partner’s words promotes understanding and conveys how the dishonest partner hurt the person they held dear. 

A shift occurs when the betraying partner focuses on their partner’s experience instead of being absorbed in their own defense.

Another scripting option is for the therapist to ask the betraying partner to substitute their own words and phrases if they are more genuine or impactful. 

Dr. Patricia Hart, licensed psychologist and PACT faculty, suggests another alternative:  the therapist asks the offending partner to write a full apology. This written apology is then sent to the therapist who can edit as necessary and give back to the partner to read in session as part of the supplication process. 

Once the betrayed partner hears their partner’s regret over their actions, the betrayed partner acknowledges the wrong that was committed. This is another dramatic moment in the pose and takes the couple in the direction of rebalancing power. 

For example, the wronged partner might say “I am the partner you chose. You brought shame to yourself and your family. And for that I may have to cast you out forever.”

Note that the statements between partners are direct, concise, and emphatic.

Observing the Power in the Pose

Couple therapists often observe that apologies between partners are given short shrift and spoken in such a way that minimizes the betrayal, e.g., “I am sorry that you are upset by this.” 

Or the betraying partner may say they are sorry without consideration of the painful impact of their actions on the partner, as with the couple discussed earlier. Or an apology is made but amends are not offered. These types of statements can come across as half-hearted or empty. 

Redemption Pose offers a path for a deeper apology and creates a foundation for repair. When a full repair is not made, the relationship gets stuck. Wounds fester, and mistrust lingers. 

When lowering does not authentically happen, the relationship does not change. The spoken words and the act of physical lowering create a state of imploring for a second chance.  

Redemption Pose re-establishes balance in the relationship, so that the one who became too big is now becoming smaller. Being willing to do so indicates understanding of the depth of the injury, the selfish and narcissistic nature of this act, as well as a commitment to deep repair and change of attitude. It denotes a willingness to do better and be better.  

Redemption Pose also makes room for the betrayed partner to self-activate and have a voice.

PACT couple therapists can assist couples in rebuilding their relationship when a deceptive act has been committed. Working with betrayal is within the PACT wheelhouse. 

That being said, some newly trained PACT therapists may feel hesitant to incorporate Redemption Pose. By structuring the session using the ideas promoted in this article, both therapist and partners will likely see the rewards of their effort. 

By enacting this bottom-up intervention, partners become skilled in repair.  Redemption pose offers a massive clean-up and an opportunity to mend wounds and promote healing.